Meet Chris Reynolds. I Sure Did.

Day before yesterday, my time at work was cut short by a TORNADO.  A twister hopscotched its way across the Fairview/O’Fallon/Shiloh region of east St. Louis and Southern Illinois.  While I was at work I had to “shelter in place” which pretty much meant that I had to bend over and kiss my ass goodbye because, being in cyber-security, I was surrounded by heavy monitors, printers, and other items that would have made short work of geeky guys like me as they sliced and diced their way through an F3 or greater tornado.

Thankfully the twister hopped over my location and wrecked trees and homes in other places.  (sucks for them, yay for me!)  Everything had to shut down at work early due to lack of power and Air Conditioning.  So I basically had an early night off where I tried to find a restaurant that had both power and was serving hot wings. It was in this aftermath of foul weather and hunger that I met Chris Reynolds.

What a Chris Reynolds would probably look like.

In the 20 minutes I was in the restaurant, I learned the following facts about Chris Reynods:

• Chris Reynolds is divorced.
• He started a chain reaction of phone calls during the tornado, that he swears, saved the lives of 26 people in OFallon, including his own daughter and his daughter’s friend’s grandmother.
• He has dish network that dammit, just doesn’t work during a tornado.
• He used to sell frozen pizzas to grocery stores.
• He won regional sales awards for selling frozen pizzas.
• He somehow parlayed the pizza selling “bitness” to get free lap dances from strippers at Larry Flynt’s Hustler club because he was their “star pizza rep.”
• He met Larry Flynt because of his pizza selling Fu, and Larry Flint apparently has a gold wheelchair.
• At the VIP grand opening of the Larry Flint Hustler club there were naked women sitting on bowls of ice and you could get shrimp from between their legs.  (eeew!)
• Other strippers were sitting in jell-o.
• He doesn’t like to talk politics, but he’s pretty sure that a Chrysler car parts factory nearby is being sold to Peugeot.
• Chris Reynolds can’t spell “Peugeot.”
• Chris Reynolds loves hotwings and when they are really hot, he shits “Mississippi Mud.”
• One time when Chris Reynolds had to shit really bad he went to the airport terminal and shit there but then couldn’t find any coins to get out of the temporary paid parking.  Two quarters were eventually recovered from beneath the floor mats.
• If I want good hotwings, there is a place outside of the AFB that makes the “hottest of all time,” and I should tell the woman behind the bar, if she’s bitchy that Chris Reynolds sent me there, just in case she is having a “crampy night.”

Amazingly, the more Chris Reynolds talked, the faster I ate my hotwings and drank my beer. I had only one beer and left wings on the plate.  During this conversation I found myself repeating the exclamatory “Dang!” over and over again- and meaning it!