Save the Planet! Kill the Whales!

The was a moment of AWWW when the news showed a clip of a baby humpback whale that became separated from its mother, trying to suckle on a sailboat.

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Even after towing the sailboat and baby whale back out to sea in hopes that the baby will wise up and find its real mother, experts think that the baby is going to die.

So I started wondering, from an eco-religionist perspective, is this a good thing? Didn’t the whole green movement begin with an effort to save the whales? And didn’t the whole global warming scare start after the effort to save the whales? I see both correlation and causation here.

Whales eat plankton. Tons of plankton. Plankton is a type of plant that absorbs carbon dioxide and produces oxygen. Tons of CO2. In fact, there are efforts underway to introduce more plankton into the oceans in order to help suck up all the evil CO2 in the atmosphere. If there were less whales greedily hoarding plankton, there would be less CO2 in the air.

And this is all the fault of GreenPeace and other environmental groups. Had they not interfered with the slaughter of whales, the world would not be in this predicament right now. Its time for hard decisions. The whales must die. All of them. Its not like they are smart or anything, seeing as how they obviously can’t tell the difference between a boat and a Mother Whale.

For every whale that is destroyed, it is estimated that 2.5 million cars are taken off the road. That’s 58,400 more tons of plankton spared over the course of that whale’s lifetime, which can absorb 1000 times their own weight in CO2.

So instead of wasting your money buying carbon credits, invest in Japanese Whaling ships. They are really doing Al Gore’s sacred mission of reducing deadly greenhouse gases. And besides, Kyoto means “dead whale” in Nipponese.