Things That Suck About Starfleet

Too many reruns on Spike TV and things about the 24th century begin to bug me. Ever notice in Star Trek you never have to do paperwork? For such a large, far flung organization, there is remarkably few bureaucratic bungling and turmoil. Its impossible to believe that a socialist military organization could carry out their mission without constant political meddling and interference. I bet there is constant pressure from the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet HQ to toe the line and be good soldiers.

Suckiest of all about Starfleet? Everyone’s a trekkie.

Below is my list of other things about Starfleet that must surely suck.

1. All food intake is approved by the Ship’s Doctor, and the replicator rations are tied to your biometric signature. This means that there are limits on what you can eat. You can get the biggest cheeseburger on the menu, but the Doc has the calories in the food set at 1,800. The rest is ‘space fluff.’
2. Synthehol. ‘Nuff said. Pass the Saurian Brandy. Oh, but you can’t because its banned.
3. The uniforms are tacky, made of synthetic wool, and they itch.
4. All Rigellian porn is blocked by subspace filters.
5. The main holodeck is always taken by Ship’s officers. The enlisted holodeck is always broken.
6. No paychecks. Only credits. Nothing to ever shop for anyways except new boots and a unitard.
7. The new “Kirk Amendment” to the Prime Directive- no alien sexcapades during First Contact.
8. There is a ridiculous and recurring propensity to fly Starships into every unexplained spacial anomaly that appears on ship’s sensors.
9. It sucks and also endangers your life? Having to wear a red uniform on an away mission or having to stand guard in the brig, where somehow, every alien is a freakin’ escape artist.
10. Starfleet is all about tolerance, except when it comes to personal beliefs. You can get court-martialed for believing in intelligent design.
11. The database that explains what happened to all of the capitalists is restricted.
12. All those PADDS run on Mac software and you’re a Windows guy.
13. No one believes you that Vulcans cheat at cards, 3-D chess and Jenga.
14. No matter how hard you try not to think about it, you just can’t get past the knowledge that all garbage and human/vulcan/klingon/andorian waste is recycled by the ship’s replicators into tomorrow’s breakfast.
15. Time travel paradoxes give you an ice cream headache.
16. There is no security on access panels and everyone thinks they are a hacker. Yahoos keep hotwiring the turbolifts, automatic doors, and flush systems to toilets. That quit being funny the first week into the five-year mission.
17. There is no vacation time, except for shore leave on Utopian planets with draconian restrictions on freedom, where the slightest violation or faux-pas results in your death sentence.
18. Ten years spent at Starfleet Academy, post graduate study, field service and internships, and you finally get that position as navigator on a Starship. Then some chick doctor who winks at the Captain manages to get her 11 year old son to become pilot and replace you. As a result, you move to the graveyard shift.
19. The computer is almost entirely voice controlled. Laryngitis, loud noises, multiple overlapping voices, and the vacuum of space are all DOS attacks to onboard systems. You urge staff to employ a keyboard as a backup, but no one listens.
20. Feregni’s are disgusting, unethical and smelly trolls who cheat you out of your credits, but you aren’t allowed to say anything because that would be racist.

A previous story of trekkie geekdom can be found here. I also posted another Star Trek story about using the Enterprise for a Booze Cruise on my Belch page here.