Rudy Needs a Toupee’

If Rudy Guiliani wants to be President of these United States, he must go out and get some more hair. Maybe he can get some of Britney’s cast-offs. And as much as I like Rudy, history just isn’t on his side. You see, there have only ever been 5 bald presidents in history, and most of them sucked.

I got to thinking about this after reading the hilarious post over at Guns-N-Butter about Mitt Romney planning to donate his hair to Britney for 1000 dollars per strand. When it comes to Presidential politics, the race does not always go to the best candidate. It usually goes to the tallest fellow with the most hair.

Bush defeated AlGore in 2000 because AlGore looks like Friar Tuck from the back. You may not have noticed because the press only ever takes his picture from the front. But from above or behind, Gore has a bald spot the size of a frisbee.

The history of bald Presidents below comes from the Cynic’s Sanctuary here:

Let’s look at the forty-plus individuals we’ve elected president of the United States. All but five of them have been men of hair. Who were the five brave baldies who managed to slip past the guards? John Adams and his son, John Quincy Adams — both one-termers. Martin Van Buren, who embellished his naked pate by puffing out his remaining locks in the manner later adopted by Larry of The Three Stooges — also booted out after a single term. Next baldy on the roster: James A. Garfield. They shot him. After Garfield’s demise, a full seventy-two years would pass before another hair-impaired president took the oath of office: the wildly popular World War II hero, Dwight D. Eisenhower. Did America’s voters like Ike because he had rescued Europe from the Nazis and led the Allies to a resounding victory? It would be pleasant to think so, but I fear the real reason is that his opponent, Adlai Stevenson, had even less hair than Ike. The only other balding chief exec, Gerald Ford, simply stepped in for the deposed Nixon and failed to be elected in his own right. The man who vanquished him was an eminently thatched Georgian named Jimmy Carter. So there you have it: over two hundred years of American presidents, and only twenty-three years of baldness in the White House to date. If you take away Eisenhower, who defeated an even balder fellow, we’re left with just fifteen years. Remove the unelected Ford, and we’re down to a measly twelve-and-a-half years. I think I’m on to something here, don’t you?

And there is also a great story today at the American Thinker from a pro-lifer who is going to vote for Guiliani despite his pro-choice stance.